Oh! The Places You'll Never Go!

Israel. What do people often think when they hear of this magical place? Terror. Seriously??

Yes the world has a negative view about traveling to Israel, meanwhile it's probably one of the most beautiful, spiritual places on earth with probably the warmest people you'll ever meet next to the French. No. But seriously, these people will invite you into their home for dinner after meeting you for 4 minutes. Yeah I know, I said "these people". But you get what I mean.

On my most recent trip to Israel, the first in over 7  years, I actually decided to move there. It's been 3 months since my return and I'm still in NY but still. It'll happen. My reasons for wanting to move there are simple: 1) Stay fit; 2) Stay yourself; 3) Stay away from shady-looking people with backpacks who happen to be from Gaza and are on the Tel Aviv beach illegally but being taken away by security; 4) Stay alive; 5) Stay happy.

1) Stay fit - it's back to basics. You walk like you're in NYC but it's hot - and humid as hell so you don't want to eat too much, plus you can go to the beach any time and since you know you'll be in a bikini, you want to put down that 2nd helping of baklava. But you can walk all over the place and it's the best exercise not knowing how far you've walked, only knowing that you probably lost 2 pounds going to where you've gone. Or you could take a bus or a taxi, and no smart-ass you won't find camels...in Tel Aviv. 

2) Stay yourself - you lose all the bullshit inhibitions that our lovely America has put on us. Kids (young kids) are naked on the beach. Why? No shame. And that's wonderful. But people act like themselves there and it causes you to do the same. No phony bullshit. Unless of course, you meet an Israeli man, specifically in Tel Aviv, who the minute he meets you claims he loves you and wants to marry you. My suggestion to the ladies out there, take it with a grain of salt. A tiny grain. They like you, but the next woman who walks by is being proposed to also - if she's not Israeli of course. So if you feel insulted just give them a taste of their own medicine. Offer a blow job and tell them you'll call them later to make good on that promise.

3) Stay away from the shady... - I spent an entire month on one of the Tel Aviv beaches. I was at an advantage since I was spending all that time with my new family (or so they became) of lifeguards in the lifeguard station at Jerusalem beach (in Tel Aviv). If you go there stop by and say hello, but try to look sexy or they may not care to talk to you. You understand. I got there by 7:00 each morning and left with them every day when work ended at 7 pm. I didn't get paid, but I got much more than that. Their underwear. But in addition to the panties I walked away having learned some Hebrew, having played jokes on the security guys and other beach-goers, having learned how to cook some incredible food, and I got an amazing tan to bring out the equally new amazing highlights in my hair. And this my friends, made for the trip of a lifetime. What my point is though is that the security on the beaches is incredible. They know what they're looking for and everyone's eyes are constantly open. So you may often see people being escorted away calmly, and that's normal. You'll see teens smoking tobacco from hookahs and that's normal. The biggest thing you'll probably see is a weekend fight on the beach and you'll know when it happens because every man, woman and child is running to catch a glimpse of who's gonna get their ass kicked. It's amazing, an entire crowd of people swarming one section of a beach to watch a fight. But that's probably because most of the sprinters are drunk since you can literally sit with a full bar in front of you if you choose to bring that much booze, for the few dollars it costs to use the city's chairs and tables. Use the sunbeds, they're only 12 shekels for the day. There's no entrance fee to the beach and you don't have to use/pay for their chair. So don't try to use the whole Jews love money on me. Jones Beach charges like 10 bucks just to bless them with your presence and you're surrounded by everything and everyone you were running away from to begin with. Plus you have to carry your own chair or umbrella. 

4) Stay alive - seems simple enough, right? It is. You really don't walk around in fear, especially when you see so many heavily armed teenagers. Though unlike the east coast-west coast rivalry here in the states, the good news is, these kids are in the military. 

5) Stay happy - Israelis may be so happy because they live for the day, so to speak. But with all these happy people - don't be distracted by their yelling, this is just how they have conversation - it's nearly impossible to walk around without a smile on your face, or at least in your pants.

My experience to the middle east wasn't limited to my "homeland" as a "chosen one". It also included visits to Petra, Jordan, as well as Dahab, Egypt where not only would I have not been seen as a chosen one, I would probably be killed for thinking I'm one. I was pleasantly surprised at how nice people in Jordan were (albeit they didn't know I was Jewish and definitely shouldn't have known).  However, I could have done without the constant fear I was going to be "given up" to terrorists in Egypt, as a dirty, filthy Jew or dirty Jew-loving American.  

You see Al Queda has been targeting Israelis traveling to Egypt, threatening to kidnap them. Which I'm sure as you can guess means they will torture and kill them simply for being Israeli -or Jewish. I kinda didn't want that to happen to me. So I (along with other travelers) pretended not to understand when several "gentlemen" including one at the BORDER PATROL spoke Hebrew to us to test us. Yes, on several occasions, in this Arabic-speaking country, we were spoken to in Hebrew so they would know whether or not to pass along the word. And these were the people we'd have to turn to if we needed help, so I was less than pleased. I did meet several really great people in Egypt though (which means I met one). He was, simply put, a nice classy guy who works a lot and appreciates his life and job. And that impressed me, and while I still never got around to telling him I was Jewish, I know he wouldn't have killed me. That's not to say there aren't great people there, it just means I didn't have a chance to meet more.

I hope you visit Israel, and if you're Jewish you can go for almost no money at all. Wealthy Jews with the unwealthy government of Israel will pay for your trip if it's your first unorganized journey there, and how can you beat that? Go to Israel, have the best experience of your life, see people of all colors and shades speaking Hebrew - which is fascinating by the way. Eat the best food, see the sexiest people. And when you come back here, I promise you'll be as depressed as I am. I can guarantee it.