Status Update: Caroline Is.... Addicted.

Facebook! Exciting. Fun. Very, very addicting. 

I love Facebook and so do you. It took me a while until I was finally persuaded to join because much like a dentist to an Englishman, it seemed weird and unfamiliar. Plus, I never thought I would - or could - leave the site I was already obsessed with. It's nice to be away from myspace now though, I feel like it's so ghetto.

Social networking sites are really wonderful tools. You can reconnect with long lost friends, stalk people (you all do that and you know it), join groups like "I use my cell phone to see in the dark" for no valid or sensible reason whatsoever, and best of all you can let every one of your friends know exactly what you are doing every minute of the day. Status updates: they're just unbelievable. I sooooo wanted to know that you were taking a crap at 1:52 pm yesterday, thanks!  I will admit though, I do enjoy seeing what everyone's up to at all times. So, thank you for keeping me informed.

What has me so amazed these days though is just how addicting Facebook has become for most of us. We're pretty much just staring at the same home screen for the most part, right? What other types of things can you do on there once you've refreshed the page, poked your friends back, completed your stalking, read all the updates, and checked out some new uploaded pictures your friends were tagged in? I'd say about half of the average workday productivity has been cut due to Facebook obsession, although how big could the workload have been to begin with if we can make time to look at the same shit we'll look at 18 times that day and 42 times more that evening?

A lot of the time I'm logged onto Facebook I'm not even at the computer. Which concerns me because I can only conclude that I'm so afraid to miss something that I can't even get myself to log off for a substantial amount of time. I'll even miss meals not noticing how much time has passed. And, you do this too. Then we put applications on our phones because at this point, we cannot take the risk of not being able to tell everyone we're boarding the train to go home right now; we can't wait to read that new invite for the Guns n Roses fan page - after all, we can always get to that work email later; oh how exciting to see whose friend request just came through! Then we get home, go straight to our computers, and log right onto Facebook again. Important message here: Facebook is taking over our lives.

And I'm all for this notion! If I can run into someone at the bar that I haven't seen in 23 years and talk to them without the excitement I normally would have - it's all good, and we know why.  It's because I already got excited when they found me on Facebook (or maybe I didn't but they don't know that), we shot a couple of emails back and forth, and now I see their picture every day which is basically the same as seeing them. 

In fact now that I think about it, why should I even talk to them when I do see them? They can just comment on my status from across the bar on their BlackBerry. Their face is on my wall from the message they posted yesterday anyway, so they know what I'm up to and probably knew I'd be here. We don't even need to have basic conversation with each other. They can Facebook message me "hey, look straight ahead", I'll check my BlackBerry as it rings with the message, look up to see them standing there, wave, they'll wave back, done. Anyway I'll see them later when I get home on the computer and we can chat then.

Maybe dating will be easier now, and I may be onto something with this one. I mean, what better way to get to know someone than by reading about every move they make through status updates, viewing your common friends and judging this person from those friends, and then of course viewing all their friends to see if they're good people or total schmucks - especially when you recognize those of his/her friends whose requests you ignored and immediately blocked from searching for your profile.  Then you can make a date to either go out or just spend the evening Facebook Chatting with each other to fill in what you cannot learn about them from their profile. Maybe have some cyber-sex -- which is of course the SAFEST way to have sex since no risk of disease or pregnancy, you don't have to have the awkward moments about whether or not this person should spend the night, you don't have to worry about where your love juices have landed, you can sleep in any position you'd like in your own bed without worrying if you'll offend the person by not spooning, and if you fart in your sleep, they're none the wiser. 

Next thing you know, the marriage proposal will come in the form of a Super-Graffiti-Wall-Posting, you'll receive a "gift" to your profile of a huge diamond ring, change your relationship status to engaged, get everyone's "congratulations!", eventually post the wedding video on everyone's profile - the wedding you didn't even have to invite anyone to because you simply went through the motions without any guests, saving tons of money knowing they can be a part of it any time they like by simply going online - since the one guest you did invite was the videographer to make this video, then you change your relationship status to married..... see where I'm getting at?

Maybe it's time you take a step back before you realize that the only gifts you're receiving from friends are 2-dimensional and you are genuinely excited about this to the point where you buy them real ones. Before you start uploading every single photo album you've had pictures in since birth, simply to tag yourself and show the world what an ugly baby you were. Before you have so many fake friends you forget who the real ones used to be. Before you start getting wayyyyyy too personal in your updates.

Now our time is up. I hope you've enjoyed this therapy session. I accept all forms of payment, however, charges can be made through my paypal account. Simply log onto facebook, friend me, view my profile, go to my groups to find the paypal one, enter the code I've left for you on my status update, and when you're done with processing just super-poke me - I'll get the notification. Don't forget to click on the sponsor's ad and send me a song on your way out.