Madonna and The Horse

When we hear celebrity stories, some funny things happen and we laugh, other sad times we cry. Sometimes we laugh inappropriately at accidents (think Sonny Bono), and some people cry as if they knew the person and were affected personally by some tragedy (think Natasha Richardson). But when something not-so-funny happens to a celebrity, but you think it could be turned into a funny situation to make yourself look cool by talking about it, when exactly is the right moment when it finally becomes acceptable to poke fun of said situation? My answer is: As soon as you think of the joke.

Therefore, I can say, that it looks like Madonna finally fell off her high horse. Pun naturally intended.

Now, as many of you may know, Madonna was riding her horse and according to conflicting reports, she either 1) fell off or 2) a "paparazzo" jumped out from behind the bushes scaring the shit out of the poor horse who then went spastic causing Madonna to be thrown - or to fall off -the animal.

But while Madonna's people are blaming a photographer, let's rewind and take a look at another accident Madonna had a few years ago, breaking bones falling off a horse. Of course last time, the blame was put on the horse. According to a 2005 article on msnbc.com, a spokeswoman for Madonna had claimed that the accident occurred while Madonna was riding a horse that wasn't her "regular" horse, or the one she had usually ridden. 

Now, I could be wrong, but could it be that Madonna just has a tendency to fall off horses? Or is God punishing her for the phony English accent she uses that comes and goes wherever the wind blows? I think the latter to be true.

Madonna, here's my problem with you, but I'll point out the positive as well. You're a fabulous entertainer. You are a very talented singer, and you can dance well too. Your body is "great" but doesn't need to be abused by all those workouts you push on it. It's starting to make you look like Jessica Lange. While you can certainly keep up with the "youth" of the entertainment industry, by kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and doing a song/video with Justin Timberlake, I think you really need to calm down a bit. Your children aren't allowed to watch TV, but you appeared in movies - and still do. Not that any were real successes, but you get the point.  And what a hypocrite you are for performing in music videos to reap the benefits of fans watching them, yet at the same time are allegedly afraid that TV will rot your childrens' brains (or slow their development) to the point where TVs aren't allowed in your home. Aren't you the same Madonna who appeared in "Truth or Dare", a controversial (at the time) documentary about, well, YOU?  

Then maybe your kids should stay in and read a nice book. For instance, your first publication, titled "Sex". That seems like quality reading.  Or maybe they can simply accompany you on your tour - hey, remember that tour you performed called "The Girly Show World Tour" where you'd dress up as a dominatrix cracking a whip, surrounded by topless female dancers? I bet that's more wholesome than watching The Simpsons. Perhaps we should reflect back to your tour in Puerto Rico when you rubbed the Puerto Rican flag between your legs. Are you picking up what I'm putting down, Madonna? Maybe the problem isn't that TV will inhibit the development of your children. Maybe it's just you. 

In sum: I think you came from nothing (nowhere), tried to be something (dancer), no one wanted you (for dancing) so they made you a success for what you are now (a singer) but you couldn't quite escape where you came from (again, nowhere) so you put on a front and try to act like something you're not (normal) by packing up and moving to England (thinking this will make you appear sophisticated) and riding horses (which clearly isn't working out), faking an English accent (oh yeah no one notices that one sweetie), working out for 4 hours a day (what Nazi trainer gave you that brilliant idea?) to look good for your fans (who are disappearing slowly) in order to make out with pop stars less than half your age (gross)... only to have too much time on your hands (again, the 4-hour a day workouts), making you lose brain cells (perhaps the real cause of the 2nd horse accident) which makes you think you should show the world you're this wonderful mother (not working) by limiting your kids' access to things on the outside world (perhaps to hide information about you - for example, that you once dated a porn star...and then Vanilla Ice... and even Dennis Rodman) and now you're dating someone 30 years younger than you (probably one of the smartest moves you've made), have taken up Kabbalah studies (since when are you so religious?).... I could go on and on.... the point of all of this being: it looks like you are giving your kids the opposite of your life, which probably does make you a good mother after all.

Madonna, you're independent and strong and it seems clear to me that most men would have trouble being man enough to be with you and your lifestyle. But I think this time you certainly have fallen off your high horse, and you should take a break, relax, let the kids watch some TV. Lose the fake accent, take a day off from the gym, then maybe take up some horseback riding lessons.