A Broken Light in My Attic

The Really Fake Housewives...

2010-12-16T21:48:00.033-05:00

Previously on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...

Camille bought a dictionary/thesaurus combo to learn the words they didn't teach her in stripper school. She then posed for the opening scene of the show in her kitchen, holding a grown up book to hide her "Where's Waldo?" book.

Kyle prepared to be "eviscerated with words" by Camille, who is still trying to convince the audience that she has a good marriage, convince the cameras that she isn't sleeping with her guy "friends", and convince herself that people actually believe any of her delusional bullshit.

Unnoticeable Kim reminded us that she's still on the show by saying something obscure and blinking her eyes while doing that parakeet thing with her head.

Lisa got frustrated with Kim for not pursuing the ugly guy she set Kim up with, but Kim believes that a man should pursue a woman or at least be the one to call her for the first time. For some reason this is odd to the other ladies.

Cameramen had a difficult time filming Adrienne, who had been hiding from her husband in the east wing of their mansion.

And next, on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:

Camille, in expressing her female "empowerment" and "celebration of other women", has the rest of the group over to her turf so she and her friends can gang up on Kyle since Kyle actually has a loving husband. While Kelsey has left Camille to get immediately engaged after knocking up one of the ugliest street rats in NYC, Taylor explains that Camille is doing well by being strong for, and spending time with her kids. In other words, Camille's in the jacuzzi with that fat guy with the manboobs and his wife again, while her 4 nannies continue to love and raise the 2 children. This shocks Camille who had forgotten that she even had kids, so she decides to take her anger out on Kyle by making up more accusations regarding things Kyle allegedly said to Camille that of course never happened.

Taylor goes "Oklahoma" all over someone's ass... in other words she sleeps with her uncle. While her lips prepare for their own spinoff show, her 'cowboy' husband Russell continues to silent bully her.

Kim seems to still be on the show though still not on the planet, and Adrienne is still hiding from her husband in the east wing of her home.

Color Me Sad

2010-07-23T00:09:00.014-04:00

Well well well, I've just come across a surprising (not at all) article that a former Color Me Badd member was arrested in Hawaii for domestic violence... evidently, again. For those of you who need a reminder, Color Me Badd had a few "hits", such as "I Wanna Sex You Up" and "I Adore Mi Amor". I would like to start by coming to his defense, stating that I believe he was simply rehearsing for his soon-to-be hit (no pun intended), "I Wanna Fuck You Up". What I DO have a problem with is that he hasn't been arrested in the past for violating all of our ears.

According to the article (link posted below), in 2008 this sweet gentleman punched a girl in the nose, saying "I'm-A kill you". Need I say more? Yes, actually. What the hell was he doing in Hawaii? I can't afford to go to Hawaii right now, so how in the world can that loser afford it? There's no way he could have made THAT much money and not spent it all on Jack Daniels and wife-beaters by now, I mean, it was years ago that this pedophile-looking dork (see picture) was singing till our ears bled, so how it's even possible that he can afford a flight to Indiana let alone Hawaii is beyond me.

So Mr. Congeniality (aka Bryan Abrams), if you're out there and happen to be reading this, I'd like to give you some advice: 1) Look at yourself. You're lucky to have a woman stay within 10 feet of you (and at present, lucky if you're legally allowed within 50 feet of her). Enjoy it while it lasts, because you're no prize and you no doubt are aware of this fact. 2) Stop hitting girls. I know that you were probably punishing her for marrying you, and for that, I understand. But, you're a loser. You know it, we know it. But seriously, stop hitting girls.

http://www.popeater.com/2010/07/22/bryan-abrams-arrest-mugshot-color-me-badd/?icid=main|main|dl2|link6|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.popeater.com%2F2010%2F07%2F22%2Fbryan-abrams-arrest-mugshot-color-me-badd%2F

Fashion Ads Gone Disturbingly Wrong

2010-07-19T00:08:00.008-04:00

I think Marc Jacobs's ad agency needs some new inspiration. Am I the only one who sees the connection? I'm pretty sure this was an Auschwitz-inspired advertisement. "Hey let's just take these old pics and photoshop in some clothes, colors, and a tree... now just get rid of that barbed wire." Ta-da!!

Fatso.com

2010-01-05T14:45:00.008-05:00

Online dating can be fun. It can be even more fun if you are beautiful. And what can be better than a beautiful person? An entire site filled with them. What's worse? When more than 5,000 of those beautiful people let themselves go around the holidays. Solution? Kick the fatties off the site.

If you are a member of BeautifulPeople.com, you'd better stay beautiful - on the outside, at least. Even if you are a piece-of-shit-total-asshole on the inside it's fine, just make sure it doesn't show in your profile pic and make sure you don't eat dessert, because if you do, your membership may get revoked - at least temporarily until you can get your fat ass back into shape.

Robert Hintze, founder of BeautifulPeople.com, put it very eloquently when he said: ''Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.''

And he's right. Letting them roam (as in buffalo) the site is a direct threat to our business model (let's make a site for good looking people since we're tired of looking at the rest of the freaks walking this earth) and the very concept (hot girl + hot guy = good looking children to repopulate the world with) for which BeautifulPeople.com (the biggest assholes on the planet) was founded.

Some say this isn't fair. Others think it's a crime. I'll tell you what the real crime is. Looking ugly.

If you are actually a member of this site then you should know better; after all, you joined a site called "BeautifulPeople.com". In other words how dare you become some fat, dripping, slob freak? You ought to be ashamed of yourself and you might as well give up all hope on your life at this moment, go find some fat cave to live in on some fat remote island, and eat your way to your death.

I for one applaud BeautifulPeople.com for kicking off the fatties. As far as I'm concerned, they have no right to be part of such a superficial site which is based solely on looks and therefore these monsters should be shunned from the sexy community. It's for their own good.

Look blubber butts, online dating is complicated enough with people lying about their height, weight, age, and marital status. If I join a site that requires people to be beautiful forever, I want to make sure they stay that way and I don't want to look at them if their looks change if they gain weight, or if they let's say, get mauled by a tiger or if they like age or something. So put down the donut, get your jaw wired shut, hop on that treadmill, and don't come back until you look presentable enough to join a beautiful site of your former peers without making other members vomit at the mere thought of looking at you.

Giving a Left Hook to Snook

2010-01-05T14:45:00.007-05:00

Here's "The Situation". Snookie, J-WoWW, and some other self-proclaimed "guidos" and "guidettes" walk into a bar. A little girl yells at a drunk NY teacher who's stealing their drinks... And while there's no punch-line here, there was however, a punch.

Do you watch MTV's "The Jersey Shore?" Clearly I do. I watched Snookie take that punch in the face and like the rest of the viewing world, I was appalled - and not just by everyone's poor use of grammar. But since MTV has started airing this series and since they have played (and constantly replayed) that teaser, they've been getting a ton of backlash, including 3 (so far) sponsors pulling their ads from being aired during the show. Additionally, according to Associated Press, The New Jersey Italian American Legislative Caucus is requesting that MTV cancel the show, calling it "wildly offensive" and claiming it "promotes derogatory ethnic stereotypes". New Jersey tourism officials are even angry at the show. Call me crazy, but I see something else going on here and it has nothing to do with MTV or this show: Welcome to the east coast.

As far as I can see, this show is perhaps the most fair and accurate representation of approximately 85% of Long Island and New Jersey people. In fact, rather than call this a reality show, MTV should be calling it a documentary.

I think NJ is just embarrassed, and I have a hard time believing that tourism would decrease due to the show's alleged stereotype. And by the way - what stereotypes? Do you really think that we believe all Italian Americans are like this? Or perhaps it is a bad thing that "guidos" are being recognized as deeply populating the NY/NJ areas - are "guidos" then being stereotyped? So that makes it a true stereotype, right? Listen tourism people in NJ, do you realize this may actually increase business for you? Here's a tip: know your clientele. If you know anything about those who are impressed by watching The Jersey Shore, you'll know that tourism this summer will probably be your busiest to date. Why? Because while some of us watch in awe or in horror, others are actually relating to these people.

On that note, let's look at some things that I believe are going unnoticed by the show's critics. First, none of these idiots from the show punched lil Snookie. It was a NY high school gym teacher, and this douchebag had nothing to do with the show. It was graphic and disturbing, but what happened afterwards was more comforting - everyone wanted to kick his ass. Yup, did we forget something about the Jersey Shore cast? They went after him following the sucker punch. I'll tell you one thing, I know plenty of guys who aren't considered "guidos" and I doubt they would have had the balls to go after that shithead like the "guidos" did. Jersey Shore cast has muscles and showed them outside the hot tub for once - and for that, I applaud them.

Here's another thing critics, I don't know why you are offended - I'll tell you exactly who should be offended here : people like myself.

Why is that? I'll tell you why. Because I'm NOT like the cast members, but I have to live in a world amongst them. I have to smell their cologne 2 blocks away. I have to feel their sweat drops fly off their biceps on the dancefloor. I have to hear them talk with a terrible "accent", and quite frankly, I am the one stereotyped as being one of them simply by my living on Long Island. But you don't see me boycotting Armani Exchange, and you don't hear me asking stores to stop selling hair gel.

I will say this. Being far enough away (or at least hiding in my home) so that my only real access to them is when I watch them on TV, is comforting. For now I will remain part of the minority that isn't Long Island/New Jersey "guido"-status, but will remain part of the majority being entertained by them.

Madonna and The Horse

2009-04-20T19:45:00.044-04:00

When we hear celebrity stories, some funny things happen and we laugh, other sad times we cry. Sometimes we laugh inappropriately at accidents (think Sonny Bono), and some people cry as if they knew the person and were affected personally by some tragedy (think Natasha Richardson). But when something not-so-funny happens to a celebrity, but you think it could be turned into a funny situation to make yourself look cool by talking about it, when exactly is the right moment when it finally becomes acceptable to poke fun of said situation? My answer is: As soon as you think of the joke.

Therefore, I can say, that it looks like Madonna finally fell off her high horse. Pun naturally intended.

Now, as many of you may know, Madonna was riding her horse and according to conflicting reports, she either 1) fell off or 2) a "paparazzo" jumped out from behind the bushes scaring the shit out of the poor horse who then went spastic causing Madonna to be thrown - or to fall off -the animal.

But while Madonna's people are blaming a photographer, let's rewind and take a look at another accident Madonna had a few years ago, breaking bones falling off a horse. Of course last time, the blame was put on the horse. According to a 2005 article on msnbc.com, a spokeswoman for Madonna had claimed that the accident occurred while Madonna was riding a horse that wasn't her "regular" horse, or the one she had usually ridden.

Now, I could be wrong, but could it be that Madonna just has a tendency to fall off horses? Or is God punishing her for the phony English accent she uses that comes and goes wherever the wind blows? I think the latter to be true.

Madonna, here's my problem with you, but I'll point out the positive as well. You're a fabulous entertainer. You are a very talented singer, and you can dance well too. Your body is "great" but doesn't need to be abused by all those workouts you push on it. It's starting to make you look like Jessica Lange. While you can certainly keep up with the "youth" of the entertainment industry, by kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and doing a song/video with Justin Timberlake, I think you really need to calm down a bit. Your children aren't allowed to watch TV, but you appeared in movies - and still do. Not that any were real successes, but you get the point. And what a hypocrite you are for performing in music videos to reap the benefits of fans watching them, yet at the same time are allegedly afraid that TV will rot your childrens' brains (or slow their development) to the point where TVs aren't allowed in your home. Aren't you the same Madonna who appeared in "Truth or Dare", a controversial (at the time) documentary about, well, YOU?

Then maybe your kids should stay in and read a nice book. For instance, your first publication, titled "Sex". That seems like quality reading. Or maybe they can simply accompany you on your tour - hey, remember that tour you performed called "The Girly Show World Tour" where you'd dress up as a dominatrix cracking a whip, surrounded by topless female dancers? I bet that's more wholesome than watching The Simpsons. Perhaps we should reflect back to your tour in Puerto Rico when you rubbed the Puerto Rican flag between your legs. Are you picking up what I'm putting down, Madonna? Maybe the problem isn't that TV will inhibit the development of your children. Maybe it's just you.

In sum: I think you came from nothing (nowhere), tried to be something (dancer), no one wanted you (for dancing) so they made you a success for what you are now (a singer) but you couldn't quite escape where you came from (again, nowhere) so you put on a front and try to act like something you're not (normal) by packing up and moving to England (thinking this will make you appear sophisticated) and riding horses (which clearly isn't working out), faking an English accent (oh yeah no one notices that one sweetie), working out for 4 hours a day (what Nazi trainer gave you that brilliant idea?) to look good for your fans (who are disappearing slowly) in order to make out with pop stars less than half your age (gross)... only to have too much time on your hands (again, the 4-hour a day workouts), making you lose brain cells (perhaps the real cause of the 2nd horse accident) which makes you think you should show the world you're this wonderful mother (not working) by limiting your kids' access to things on the outside world (perhaps to hide information about you - for example, that you once dated a porn star...and then Vanilla Ice... and even Dennis Rodman) and now you're dating someone 30 years younger than you (probably one of the smartest moves you've made), have taken up Kabbalah studies (since when are you so religious?).... I could go on and on.... the point of all of this being: it looks like you are giving your kids the opposite of your life, which probably does make you a good mother after all.

Madonna, you're independent and strong and it seems clear to me that most men would have trouble being man enough to be with you and your lifestyle. But I think this time you certainly have fallen off your high horse, and you should take a break, relax, let the kids watch some TV. Lose the fake accent, take a day off from the gym, then maybe take up some horseback riding lessons.

I've Fallen, And I Can't Get Up

2008-12-13T22:17:00.021-05:00

You. Powerful you. You make my temperature rise while sending chills down my spine. My world spins when you're around, often making me disoriented. I feel you inside me, taking over my body like no other ever has, tears pouring from my eyes I reach forward and I cry out, with every ounce of energy left in my body I cannot grasp.... I no longer feel the floor beneath my feet... I require the strength of another merely to assist in raising my body upright. Please, please release me... let go of the torturous hold you have over my mind and body...

Never did I dream this day would come, nor that night would fall as it has so hard when you are near. Never did I imagine the possibility of the power that would overcome me by such a strong force that is you, weakening me, crushing me.

How did I let this happen? I was so strong... Was I so careless with myself, so reckless tossing myself right into your destructive path? Could I have prevented this? Surely they say I could have, of course at a cost, but I never thought this day would come - at least not so soon. So how to properly prepare for such devastation? All I can do is weep now, weep for myself, weep over your harmful effect. The pain, too much to bear, takes over every inch of me at different times, paralyzing me most days. Barely able to rise from the comfort that is my bed, rarely capable of leaving the house, I fear you, I fear your hold on me, I fear my body's collapse should your hold engulf me at the wrong place and wrong time.

All to do now is wait... wait and wait, hoping that enough time will pass quickly so as to not let me miss the world outside I already see passing me by. Feeling chained to my bed, an empty box of tissues nearby, and friends to whom I can only see virtually, I cry again from the pain. Another day, another crippling moment. But the day shall come soon, the day I shall defeat you and your grip on my body and mind.

You shall disappear, you shall be erased. I can and will overcome, I will rid myself of your grasp. I will remain... long after your disappearance. With all remedies at hand I've armed myself with, you will break - but you will not break me. I will not allow this. Neither will my loyal soldiers that are my herbal tea, my Sudafed, my Robitussin DM, my Nyquil. You may not call yourself by the name of flu, but I'm onto you. I know your game, your ability to trap those in your path. I will not let you win, terrible cold virus. I promise you will soon be dead to me.

Another Ford That Should Be Discontinued

2008-11-29T16:24:00.069-05:00

Ford. When you hear the name you may think of that Focus commercial; a speeding white Bronco containing a notoriously vicious murderer; endless movies featuring the Mustang. Maybe you'll think of the top model Fairlane, or possibly the Model T which was voted one of the worst cars of all time. One Ford even made me carsick - in my very own living room - while I watched a recent film of his.

Starting out as an impressive actor, this once-Fairlane has become a Model T. But I don't think the blame should only sit with this individual - it should be spread all over, from director of this film, to the studio.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The mere thought of producing such garbage (19 years too late) is not only one of the biggest mistakes made here, but Harrison Ford is obviously too old, the script is really poorly written, and quite frankly the traumatic experience of watching this crap was simply too painful an experience that I never want to relive. The best part of this film - that I didn't even finish watching, was when I fell asleep. I guess you can assume that the worst part was when my friend woke me up in the middle of it.

Harrison Ford's shameful delivery of lines that are supposed to be composed of "jokes" to produce "laughter" of some sort are not only embarrassingly directed and very corny, but I'm not sure these so-called punchlines would have cracked a smile had they been told at Vaudeville.

And the story - I don't even know where to start with this one. It was REALLLLLY BAD. Does that sum it up?

Cate Blanchett, a fabulous actress, is made to look so silly in her role that I had doubts whether she should work again in Hollywood. However, even though she was the villain, Harrison Ford and his other co-star Marion Ravenwood who are reunited in the lamest of all ways with ridiculous dialogue spewing from their mouths, made me want the villain to destroy these two idiots before we had to listen to any more babble coming from them. Shia LaBeouf did a great job although I didn't really see him as the "greaser" type - plus I still don't understand his purpose of being in the film - then again, I was passed out during the time he was introduced.

So Harrison, where do we go from here? Indiana Jones and the Grave He Dug With Spielberg? I'd go watch that film - oh wait, I apparently just did.

This message is one I consider to be urgent. PLEASE studio execs, take a look at some independent filmmakers who direct good films. Forget the past you're trying so desperately to cling to. Whose moronic idea was this anyway? And Steven Spielberg I'm most disappointed with you for not disclosing your initial stages of dementia (which are painfully obvious upon watching the trash you allowed to be released), prior to taking on the role of director of a film that was doomed from the moment that one stupid schmuck said "hey let's make another sequel to Indiana Jones!"

Hollywood, you've hurt my feelings, you've hurt my eyes and ears, and you've hurt my hopes and dreams as an aspiring filmmaker. I thought the idea of making movies was to express views, to make people laugh, think, cry, wonder.... to entertain for goodness sake.

So let me wrap this up just like Spielberg should have done after the first take of that waste of over $300 million dollars. I think it's time to retire the decision-makers on board with this one. You took a chance getting behind the wheel, probably under the influence, you crashed into a big wall, collected a lot of money from it, and now your vehicle looks totaled to me.

Fin.

Status Update: Caroline Is.... Addicted.

2008-11-27T11:32:00.084-05:00

Facebook! Exciting. Fun. Very, very addicting.

I love Facebook and so do you. It took me a while until I was finally persuaded to join because much like a dentist to an Englishman, it seemed weird and unfamiliar. Plus, I never thought I would - or could - leave the site I was already obsessed with. It's nice to be away from myspace now though, I feel like it's so ghetto.

Social networking sites are really wonderful tools. You can reconnect with long lost friends, stalk people (you all do that and you know it), join groups like "I use my cell phone to see in the dark" for no valid or sensible reason whatsoever, and best of all you can let every one of your friends know exactly what you are doing every minute of the day. Status updates: they're just unbelievable. I sooooo wanted to know that you were taking a crap at 1:52 pm yesterday, thanks! I will admit though, I do enjoy seeing what everyone's up to at all times. So, thank you for keeping me informed.

What has me so amazed these days though is just how addicting Facebook has become for most of us. We're pretty much just staring at the same home screen for the most part, right? What other types of things can you do on there once you've refreshed the page, poked your friends back, completed your stalking, read all the updates, and checked out some new uploaded pictures your friends were tagged in? I'd say about half of the average workday productivity has been cut due to Facebook obsession, although how big could the workload have been to begin with if we can make time to look at the same shit we'll look at 18 times that day and 42 times more that evening?

A lot of the time I'm logged onto Facebook I'm not even at the computer. Which concerns me because I can only conclude that I'm so afraid to miss something that I can't even get myself to log off for a substantial amount of time. I'll even miss meals not noticing how much time has passed. And, you do this too. Then we put applications on our phones because at this point, we cannot take the risk of not being able to tell everyone we're boarding the train to go home right now; we can't wait to read that new invite for the Guns n Roses fan page - after all, we can always get to that work email later; oh how exciting to see whose friend request just came through! Then we get home, go straight to our computers, and log right onto Facebook again. Important message here: Facebook is taking over our lives.

And I'm all for this notion! If I can run into someone at the bar that I haven't seen in 23 years and talk to them without the excitement I normally would have - it's all good, and we know why. It's because I already got excited when they found me on Facebook (or maybe I didn't but they don't know that), we shot a couple of emails back and forth, and now I see their picture every day which is basically the same as seeing them.

In fact now that I think about it, why should I even talk to them when I do see them? They can just comment on my status from across the bar on their BlackBerry. Their face is on my wall from the message they posted yesterday anyway, so they know what I'm up to and probably knew I'd be here. We don't even need to have basic conversation with each other. They can Facebook message me "hey, look straight ahead", I'll check my BlackBerry as it rings with the message, look up to see them standing there, wave, they'll wave back, done. Anyway I'll see them later when I get home on the computer and we can chat then.

Maybe dating will be easier now, and I may be onto something with this one. I mean, what better way to get to know someone than by reading about every move they make through status updates, viewing your common friends and judging this person from those friends, and then of course viewing all their friends to see if they're good people or total schmucks - especially when you recognize those of his/her friends whose requests you ignored and immediately blocked from searching for your profile. Then you can make a date to either go out or just spend the evening Facebook Chatting with each other to fill in what you cannot learn about them from their profile. Maybe have some cyber-sex -- which is of course the SAFEST way to have sex since no risk of disease or pregnancy, you don't have to have the awkward moments about whether or not this person should spend the night, you don't have to worry about where your love juices have landed, you can sleep in any position you'd like in your own bed without worrying if you'll offend the person by not spooning, and if you fart in your sleep, they're none the wiser.

Next thing you know, the marriage proposal will come in the form of a Super-Graffiti-Wall-Posting, you'll receive a "gift" to your profile of a huge diamond ring, change your relationship status to engaged, get everyone's "congratulations!", eventually post the wedding video on everyone's profile - the wedding you didn't even have to invite anyone to because you simply went through the motions without any guests, saving tons of money knowing they can be a part of it any time they like by simply going online - since the one guest you did invite was the videographer to make this video, then you change your relationship status to married..... see where I'm getting at?

Maybe it's time you take a step back before you realize that the only gifts you're receiving from friends are 2-dimensional and you are genuinely excited about this to the point where you buy them real ones. Before you start uploading every single photo album you've had pictures in since birth, simply to tag yourself and show the world what an ugly baby you were. Before you have so many fake friends you forget who the real ones used to be. Before you start getting wayyyyyy too personal in your updates.

Now our time is up. I hope you've enjoyed this therapy session. I accept all forms of payment, however, charges can be made through my paypal account. Simply log onto facebook, friend me, view my profile, go to my groups to find the paypal one, enter the code I've left for you on my status update, and when you're done with processing just super-poke me - I'll get the notification. Don't forget to click on the sponsor's ad and send me a song on your way out.

Call me Geller. Ross Geller.

2008-11-24T16:55:00.040-05:00

A trip to the doctor's office. Ahhh what fun it can be. People coughing, sneezing, wiping their noses. You do your best to shield yourself from the airborne particles you know are floating around, possibly with some strain of influenza or bubonic plague. You hear a cough so loud in front of you that you practically feel the floor vibrate, and even though you try to be subtle you quickly turn your head around to avoid whatever bacteria will fly out of that coughing mouth, turning your head so fast you think it'll turn an entire 360 degrees. You spot someone with a tissue that's so wrinkled it looks like it's been used all week, which triggers the next dreadful thought: that dirty-tissue-hand probably touched the front door. How will you escape? What if you touch the same spot on that door? What other way is there on your way out? Do you use your sleeve? Do you pretend for a moment that you have lost the feeling in your hands, asking the secretaries to open the door for you? No, you can't, and neither can I, because I'm already at the Dr.'s office and they will want to examine my phony-dead hands. Did the snot-rag person use the front desk pen to sign in? Will I have to use that pen? It's too late to run. My name has been called. Besides, I'm only here for a consult so they'll never believe the hand story.

As I'm following the nurse I spot someone from high school. She's here with her husband and their little baby. This is an awkward moment that happens occasionally to me when I visit this office. I will run into someone I know from high school, they're with their child or children and I know they're looking at me curiously. I guess that shouldn't be a surprise, since I still go to my pediatrician.

As I'm being led to the fire-truck room I pretend not to notice the girl from high school since I will now be sitting in a room similar to the one she'll be in with her infant child. I sit down to wait for my doctor. I look around, laughing to myself and also out loud as I typically do when I check my surroundings in this place. It's a very amusing thought, after all, that at 31 years of age I still prefer my current pediatrician over any other doctor. This room is fun, I wish the fire-truck was bigger, it would be so cool if it had a fake hose on it or a ladder to climb up. I prefer the space/solar system room though, that's a really cool one. It's where they did my EKG reading which I imagine they don't do for most patients.

My doctor and I discuss some things and for a moment it gets awkward for me because I'm still aware that he's a relatively young guy - not much older than myself - so when I bring up a situation I didn't intend to talk about, I have to be careful not to blush. So I turn my head and avoid eye contact, not caring how obvious this is to him. He'll understand and I'm not sure I want him to think I'm NOT uncomfortable.

The good thing is that I trust him, he's an excellent doctor, and I feel comfortable with him - sometimes even more comfortable with him on a friendly level than with other people I know. But occasionally I know I need to ask the question to which I know there's only one answer I want to hear. And he assures me it's okay that I still see him as my primary physician; he makes me feel better by telling me - and probably lying - that I'm not his oldest patient. Maybe he's referring to himself in that statement, which is fine by me as long as I don't know any better. We end the consultation, schedule the next appointment, I pay the secretary, take a lollipop - or 2 - and leave.

When is it "time" to stop seeing your pediatrician? My younger brother has a doctor for adults, and so do all my friends. Actually a couple of friends of mine still go to the pediatrician but they're a couple of years younger than I am. My mom told me for years to go to a physician for grown-ups but eventually gave up somewhere around the time I was turning 30. Anyway what does anyone care if I go to the pediatrician? Who says someone else will be a better doctor? And all that matters is that I'm comfortable, so what's the problem?

The problem is that I'm not sure if the look I'm getting from that idiot from high school is one of wonder for why I'm standing there childless, or if I'm actually there for myself - either of which reasons I don't care about. But it's still a very entertaining look and that's when I start smiling inside, knowing not only that I didn't care about the other possible reasons for her stare, but there's one look on my face now, a realization that she might care about. The expression on her face that I'm reading is one of other curiosity: 'Is that Caroline? She looks the same but still a little different.' And while I'm standing by the door it's all coming together now. I definitely know for sure, what she is thinking at this point: 'Did Caroline see me open the door with my dirty tissue wrapped hand?'

So what does one do in this situation? Having caught the act and identified her now, I'm not sure either of us wants to admit what's going on here. Well, having been in this situation before, I vowed to never be unprepared again. I went to great lengths to keep constantly prepared for these moments where your fate can be decided by whether or not you properly arm yourself with the right equipment. Beyond the back pain from my heavy-weighted purses, was a threat too serious to ignore. Every time I would run low I would have to race to the store immediately and pick up my weapon of choice so never to be faced with the threat of illness, disease, or any bacteria or virus imaginable. Friends I suggest you always be prepared with this weapon. They're inexpensive especially considering the dangerous alternative. They're organic, not tested on animals if you get the right ones, and they have such a wide range of uses you have no reason not to carry them at all times.

And with this thought I lift the package from my purse and pull out a baby wipe so I can open the door.

"Towns" Rhymes With "Downs", Which I Think You Have

2008-11-20T17:59:00.053-05:00

Dear Kanye West,

I like one of your songs called Homecoming. The rest of your babble, not so much.

I was talking to some of my friends and wondering if you realized that you don't really rap that well. Also, you don't really rap. But when you sort of do, you rhyme the same words together. Doesn't that not really count? Therefore I'm thinking that you may pull off your "rhymes" better, if you perform these songs wearing a helmet.

Look, I'm not speaking only on behalf of myself, so please don't get upset. I voted for you to win an award. But it was a "special music show," you know, like those Olympics. And I'm proud of you for being a grammy winner and for finally receiving that Europe Music Award. But that won't stop me from saying the following.

I think you're a decent performer, and you have a nice voice. You even "sing" pretty well but seriously, what's going on with the lyrics? I think you just don't care to make any attempt anymore. You end a verse with "now", only to again end with "now". OK I can see that happening once in a while, but in that song with Estelle, you did just that, but rhyming "seats" with "seats" in the very next line. Brilliant! And later you actually say "U.K." only to rhyme it with "you. k." - and it only gets worse from there. Seriously Kanye, I'm concerned. Maybe this is why you haven't won all the awards you once wanted. So here are some suggestions:

Step 1: Please try to expand your vocabulary; this may help during the song-writing process

Step 2: Once you've broadened your verbal skills, please acknowledge that there are different words in the English language that rhyme with each other, as opposed to just rhyming words with themselves

Step 3: Apply rhyming words accordingly.

On a final note, what's this I hear about your recent delusions you call self-description? According to Associated Press you actually said: "I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice".

Allow me to add some commentary on that one while I pick apart your quote, Kanye. Let's start with "...my place and position in history..." - I can see you being history Kanye, even sooner with comments such as that. And then "...I will go down as the voice of this generation" - you know what? Go down on me, Kanye. You're going down all right. And "...I will be the loudest voice" - hopefully that means you'll be screaming all the way to the empty bank when everyone gets fed up with your whining.

You needed this advice a long time ago. Make a change. You're welcome.

Boycotting Beyonce

2008-11-19T11:32:00.001-05:00

Ok Beyonce, I can deal with seeing your face everywhere, I can deal with having to hear your songs even when I don't like them very much. You're a good singer and a decent actress. I get the whole thing with you and Jay-Z, and I respect it. I do however, have serious doubts now about you as a mentally fit person, and am therefore considering your latest move, the last straw with my putting up with you. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm referring to your latest bullshit "alter-ego" named Sasha Fierce. Do you know how stupid you sound?

I couldn't believe my ears upon hearing this and I therefore have a number of bones to pick with you about it. First, GREAT career move, I'm happy about this and believe your album will deserve to fail miserably because you've titled it after the result of your psychological disorder, and have even given "her" a myspace page. Second, remember Garth Brooks' alter-ego? Neither does anyone else. And I'm not even sure anyone even remembers Garth Brooks after he pulled similar shenanigans; his "alter-ego's" album flopped just like yours will - again, deservedly so.

Just tell me one thing Beyonce since I refuse to call you Sasha: Are you fucking kidding me?

You don't have enough money, power, and attention? You can do whatever you want and this is what you choose to do. Ok great, but I think that when celebrities pull this kind of garbage on people it's for one of two reasons: either 1) They actually believe this crap themselves, making them unfit to be "role models" to the general public and therefore should be immediately yanked from the spotlight and forced into mandatory counseling; or 2) They are really smart (which is a GIANT stretch) and think that you are actually really very stupid and will buy into their crap. And for those of you who are that stupid and will buy into it, fuck you too.

So Beyonce, who's responsible for the album if it goes to shit as it probably will? Sasha and her husband, Jay-B? How does this work for tax purposes, did you have to file separately for your other personality - or what you call "alter-ego" - with the IRS? And have any medical teams been informed of your delusions so they can properly assess the situation?

Even though I can't say I was ever a fan, I was never so completely opposed to you being a performer, until now. So, I've decided to boycott you, Beyonce. And your "alter-ego". I will switch radio stations when I hear either of your songs on the radio. I will quickly turn the page when I see an advertisement with either of your faces bearing the makeup you're promoting. And I will never buy your perfume OR that of your other personality because as far as I'm concerned, it will smell just like the feces you are peddling.

Always a Bridesmaid...

2008-11-17T00:50:00.001-05:00

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. You've heard that funny, yet insulting expression meant to humiliate you for constantly watching your friends getting married while you stand by and applaud them, while no one appears to want to marry you. All I can say is, that sucks if this is you, because I'm happy to announce I've been a bride WAY more times than I've been a bridesmaid. Now, as usual, I could be full of shit, and you know I like to leave you guessing. So maybe I got married and didn't tell anyone. Or, perhaps, maybe that best friend I had for 12 years, you know, the whore, got married and asked me to be a bridesmaid and I declined. So that would subtract from the number of times I'd been a bridesmaid till that point, which would be zero, which then equals -1. Therefore, being a bride more times than a bridesmaid. Am I teasing? Maybe, you decide.

So your "friend" is getting married. And as a gift to you she wants to make you suffer by making you spend money on a new dress that you'll never wear again, and as an extra "fuck you" she's making you buy the dress in lime green or some other color that accentuates every ugly feature you never knew you had. Why do these silly brides still insist on trying to make the bridesmaids look ugly? Isn't it bad enough for them that you're the one getting married and they have to be your personal assistants till the day after you're officially a wife? We already know the trick, we know this and we still accept it. Well I don't - not all of it anyway.

As a bride, you should be proud of how beautiful you will look on your wedding day no matter how ugly you are, and proud at how much you'll be beaming from ear-to-ear, regardless of whether or not one or two bridesmaids are prettier than you are. I mean, if you're going to look gorgeous anyway and the attention is all on you, why do you insist on making your bridesmaids wear something hideous? You really want to be the "obviously insecure" bride who's trying to make her friends look like something you'd find in a Far Side comic? Well, there is something to this.

I've never been in this situation, so I can't speak for myself. However, making some observations over the years (or pretending to for sake of writing this) I've noticed that some brides just want to pick colors they know may never actually look good on anyone, but they just happen to love that color and this is the only time they can see that color and enjoy it, while they themselves don't have to be caught dead in it. You know, that color you love but you could never paint your walls with because it would have looked terrible or your parents wouldn't let you? And you couldn't find a shirt that color because no designer would have been THAT daring or stupid. I would think other brides have a different approach, however. But what matters is that I like this one, as it makes the most sense to me. I am however, very much in favor of your bridesmaids acting like your personal assistants until the day after your wedding. In fact, I hope mine stay that way forever, but that probably won't happen. And I'm not implying I will not be getting married, I just probably won't have any friends to be bridesmaids after they read that.

But back to the dresses. You see, I tend to make decisions based on how I think I would react in a situation. For example, if you want to make me wear a grape colored purple dress so I look like one of the Fruit of the Loom guys, don't you think I will retaliate when you are my bridesmaid? Think about this, I can retaliate and make you wear a color - that I will search high and low for until I find - the exact color of your colon. That's right, the same colon you're thinking of. Then I'll pay a designer to surround each dress with fluorescent lighting. But instead I put myself in your bridesmaid/personal assistant shoes. And the truth is, I just want you to match my flowers, and my flowers will not resemble any organs or intestines. So hopefully you'll be happy with the dresses I pick for you.

Many brides are going with black bridesmaids dresses these days. I applaud you for that. Why are you choosing black? Several reasons. 1) You realize that you're the star of this show anyway so you're getting the attention; 2) you just can't go wrong with black as it makes other color schemes for your big day easy to match with; 3) your bridesmaids appreciate it because they and you realize that they can get continued use of the dress even after your wedding; and 4) some of you have no imagination whatsoever and/or don't know any better.

I happen to really like the idea of a nice brown or black dress for my slaves. I mean bridesmaids. This is because I know that they will match my crazy color schemes, and my flowers. Or at least they won't ruin them. The truth is though, I'm not sure there are too many people out there who still try to embarrass their bridesmaids. I know that some of these horrible brides definitely exist, and here's where my thoughts get interesting. This posting was designed specifically to embarrass and humiliate YOU horrible brides - you, that bride who tries to embarrass her friend, for a change. We smart girls know that we're not going to try to humiliate our friends, and most other brides with like-minded thinking are changing their attitudes and reversing customs as well - for the sake of NOT looking like they're jealous that their friend can look better in a bridesmaid dress or even a giant soup can, for that matter, than those brides will look in their wedding dress.

So ladies, big ladies, small ladies, ugly ladies, skinny ladies, fat ladies, and gorgeous ladies: Remember this. You will be a bridesmaid one day whether you like it or not. You will be forced to wear a dress that you want to at least look good in even if you don't feel good in it. So don't punish your girlfriends for not being the bride. Reward them for not making that dreadfully traditional, dangerous, typical, scary, expected, last resort and potentially devastating decision to get married in the first place.

Because there are pills that help you focus

2008-11-15T16:09:00.001-05:00

Modern medicine may not help blindness, it may not give you a hearing aid that works but you can finally get an erection, stimulate hair growth, prevent yourself from getting pregnant 99% of the time, and you can get your shit together by popping a smart pill.

Now I may or may not have experience with the smart pill. I could be full of crap about even knowing that there are pills to help you focus. And for all you know, I could be ignoring my important responsibilities right now this very minute because the smart pill has forced me to talk to you instead of study, which would defeat my intended purpose of my allegedly taking the smart pill to begin with. You decide.

All I do know is that I like calling them smart pills because they get you to do what you're supposed to be doing if you weren't such a lazy dumbass to begin with. Now I know there are smart people on this pill. I may be one of them, cuz I'm no dumbass. Or there really could be something to the magical pill I call the smart pill. It's awesome, or so I've heard.

This isn't directed to those of you in college who take this recreationally. I'm not promoting drug use without being monitored by your doctor. So you can't sue me now if you f*ck up and do something stupid. You're an idiot who should have been prescribed the proper smart pill by an actual physician, not your dealer you call Dr. Feelgood - because somehow you've now OD'd and become dumber for it. It's simple math folks, even for those of you who cannot focus. Meaning: stupid person + smart pill x the number of pills you took in addition to your dosage = complete idiot who should just be drinking alone in his room instead of taking pills.

Ahhh and then there's the debate about whether or not children should be on these pills. There's no debate about it, you say? Guess again, if your kid is 6 years old and acting like he's 6 years old, it doesn't mean he needs a pill. There are some kids that benefit from these pills tremendously, I'm sure, in fact I know that many adults and children do benefit from it. But for comedy's sake, I can't write about that. Now I realize I could be WAY off here, and totally out of line, but it goes somewhere if you read on, I promise. But for those of you that fit the following types of what should be considered child neglect for not being a good parent anyway, then here's what I think of you drugging your kid when he actually doesn't need it : let him play sports, don't sit him in front of the TV for 6 hours a day where he eats fast food and drinks soda. This is your fault, not his. This means take him for a walk or to the playground once on weekends so he doesn't spend both valuable days playing video games. One day is fine. And some TV is fine. Some junk food and candy and fast food is fine. Soda, not so much. But on weekends may be the best idea. Stop being so afraid that your kid will fall off the monkey bars, he's supposed to fall. But when he falls he's supposed to get back up and try again, not get coddled by mommy and daddy who never let him get hurt again. Why am I so angry?

I'll tell you why I'm angry. Because now I have to compete with other people who are on the smart pill. Yeah, that's right. I'm up against people who are constantly studying, who wouldn't normally be this focused and driven had the motivation not been prescribed to them. So I'm going to fall behind or be "less than" in the eyes of whomever decides whether or not I'm admitted to a good doctoral program because some other person is advantaged in a way I'm not. I could be turned away while some moron who I just caught picking his nose and eating it at age 29 gets his graduate degree in a program he doesn't deserve to be in. And he's going to be a doctor. Ever see Awakenings? Same idea Deniro. I'm mad as hell that I could be forced to take the smart pill because someone may study so many hours that I wouldn't have, had I not been on it too. They'll get a better score than me. They should have been drooling and eating their pen caps like I remember them doing throughout elementary school. Then Jr. high. And even then in high school. But instead they're now these "good students" with "good grades" who "know the material". Yeah because they didn't have to read it 10 times only to wonder what they just read and have to read it all over again. Their pen caps don't have as many bite marks but it doesn't mean they're geniuses. It just means they are at a physiological, chemical, and medicinal advantage. And it just means I'll work at a normal pace as opposed to super-hero speed.

So what if you can focus on one thing now? Congratulations Einstein, you can stay in that one direction. You know why I can't focus on the DNA helix in Genetics class? Because I'm turned on by my professor and wondering what would happen if anyone notices. You know why I can't handle listening to and therefore focusing on the "debate" in my criminal law class in law school? Because at least 65% of my class is composed of arrogant a'holes who wouldn't have the balls to actually step into a courtroom for an actual trial in all of their years being an attorney afterwards. Besides the fact that their point is actually THAT ridiculous that I feel like throwing my textbook at them. And you know why I'd rather not study tonight? Because the idea of drinking a nice glass of wine, going out with my friends and dancing my ass off before making out with someone younger than I am is more appealing to me. So, I'm sorry. Can you really blame me?

Which brings me to my point : I have work to do, so why am I writing this? Maybe it's time to increase the dosage.

Oh! The Places You'll Never Go!

2008-06-23T14:50:00.000-04:00

Israel. What do people often think when they hear of this magical place? Terror. Seriously??

Yes the world has a negative view about traveling to Israel, meanwhile it's probably one of the most beautiful, spiritual places on earth with probably the warmest people you'll ever meet next to the French. No. But seriously, these people will invite you into their home for dinner after meeting you for 4 minutes. Yeah I know, I said "these people". But you get what I mean.

On my most recent trip to Israel, the first in over 7 years, I actually decided to move there. It's been 3 months since my return and I'm still in NY but still. It'll happen. My reasons for wanting to move there are simple: 1) Stay fit; 2) Stay yourself; 3) Stay away from shady-looking people with backpacks who happen to be from Gaza and are on the Tel Aviv beach illegally but being taken away by security; 4) Stay alive; 5) Stay happy.

1) Stay fit - it's back to basics. You walk like you're in NYC but it's hot - and humid as hell so you don't want to eat too much, plus you can go to the beach any time and since you know you'll be in a bikini, you want to put down that 2nd helping of baklava. But you can walk all over the place and it's the best exercise not knowing how far you've walked, only knowing that you probably lost 2 pounds going to where you've gone. Or you could take a bus or a taxi, and no smart-ass you won't find camels...in Tel Aviv.

2) Stay yourself - you lose all the bullshit inhibitions that our lovely America has put on us. Kids (young kids) are naked on the beach. Why? No shame. And that's wonderful. But people act like themselves there and it causes you to do the same. No phony bullshit. Unless of course, you meet an Israeli man, specifically in Tel Aviv, who the minute he meets you claims he loves you and wants to marry you. My suggestion to the ladies out there, take it with a grain of salt. A tiny grain. They like you, but the next woman who walks by is being proposed to also - if she's not Israeli of course. So if you feel insulted just give them a taste of their own medicine. Offer a blow job and tell them you'll call them later to make good on that promise.

3) Stay away from the shady... - I spent an entire month on one of the Tel Aviv beaches. I was at an advantage since I was spending all that time with my new family (or so they became) of lifeguards in the lifeguard station at Jerusalem beach (in Tel Aviv). If you go there stop by and say hello, but try to look sexy or they may not care to talk to you. You understand. I got there by 7:00 each morning and left with them every day when work ended at 7 pm. I didn't get paid, but I got much more than that. Their underwear. But in addition to the panties I walked away having learned some Hebrew, having played jokes on the security guys and other beach-goers, having learned how to cook some incredible food, and I got an amazing tan to bring out the equally new amazing highlights in my hair. And this my friends, made for the trip of a lifetime. What my point is though is that the security on the beaches is incredible. They know what they're looking for and everyone's eyes are constantly open. So you may often see people being escorted away calmly, and that's normal. You'll see teens smoking tobacco from hookahs and that's normal. The biggest thing you'll probably see is a weekend fight on the beach and you'll know when it happens because every man, woman and child is running to catch a glimpse of who's gonna get their ass kicked. It's amazing, an entire crowd of people swarming one section of a beach to watch a fight. But that's probably because most of the sprinters are drunk since you can literally sit with a full bar in front of you if you choose to bring that much booze, for the few dollars it costs to use the city's chairs and tables. Use the sunbeds, they're only 12 shekels for the day. There's no entrance fee to the beach and you don't have to use/pay for their chair. So don't try to use the whole Jews love money on me. Jones Beach charges like 10 bucks just to bless them with your presence and you're surrounded by everything and everyone you were running away from to begin with. Plus you have to carry your own chair or umbrella.

4) Stay alive - seems simple enough, right? It is. You really don't walk around in fear, especially when you see so many heavily armed teenagers. Though unlike the east coast-west coast rivalry here in the states, the good news is, these kids are in the military.

5) Stay happy - Israelis may be so happy because they live for the day, so to speak. But with all these happy people - don't be distracted by their yelling, this is just how they have conversation - it's nearly impossible to walk around without a smile on your face, or at least in your pants.

My experience to the middle east wasn't limited to my "homeland" as a "chosen one". It also included visits to Petra, Jordan, as well as Dahab, Egypt where not only would I have not been seen as a chosen one, I would probably be killed for thinking I'm one. I was pleasantly surprised at how nice people in Jordan were (albeit they didn't know I was Jewish and definitely shouldn't have known). However, I could have done without the constant fear I was going to be "given up" to terrorists in Egypt, as a dirty, filthy Jew or dirty Jew-loving American.

You see Al Queda has been targeting Israelis traveling to Egypt, threatening to kidnap them. Which I'm sure as you can guess means they will torture and kill them simply for being Israeli -or Jewish. I kinda didn't want that to happen to me. So I (along with other travelers) pretended not to understand when several "gentlemen" including one at the BORDER PATROL spoke Hebrew to us to test us. Yes, on several occasions, in this Arabic-speaking country, we were spoken to in Hebrew so they would know whether or not to pass along the word. And these were the people we'd have to turn to if we needed help, so I was less than pleased. I did meet several really great people in Egypt though (which means I met one). He was, simply put, a nice classy guy who works a lot and appreciates his life and job. And that impressed me, and while I still never got around to telling him I was Jewish, I know he wouldn't have killed me. That's not to say there aren't great people there, it just means I didn't have a chance to meet more.

I hope you visit Israel, and if you're Jewish you can go for almost no money at all. Wealthy Jews with the unwealthy government of Israel will pay for your trip if it's your first unorganized journey there, and how can you beat that? Go to Israel, have the best experience of your life, see people of all colors and shades speaking Hebrew - which is fascinating by the way. Eat the best food, see the sexiest people. And when you come back here, I promise you'll be as depressed as I am. I can guarantee it.