Fatso.com

Online dating can be fun. It can be even more fun if you are beautiful. And what can be better than a beautiful person? An entire site filled with them. What's worse? When more than 5,000 of those beautiful people let themselves go around the holidays. Solution? Kick the fatties off the site.

If you are a member of BeautifulPeople.com, you'd better stay beautiful - on the outside, at least. Even if you are a piece-of-shit-total-asshole on the inside it's fine, just make sure it doesn't show in your profile pic and make sure you don't eat dessert, because if you do, your membership may get revoked - at least temporarily until you can get your fat ass back into shape.

Robert Hintze, founder of BeautifulPeople.com, put it very eloquently when he said: ''Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.''

And he's right. Letting them roam (as in buffalo) the site is a direct threat to our business model (let's make a site for good looking people since we're tired of looking at the rest of the freaks walking this earth) and the very concept (hot girl + hot guy = good looking children to repopulate the world with) for which BeautifulPeople.com (the biggest assholes on the planet) was founded.

Some say this isn't fair. Others think it's a crime. I'll tell you what the real crime is. Looking ugly.

If you are actually a member of this site then you should know better; after all, you joined a site called "BeautifulPeople.com". In other words how dare you become some fat, dripping, slob freak? You ought to be ashamed of yourself and you might as well give up all hope on your life at this moment, go find some fat cave to live in on some fat remote island, and eat your way to your death.

I for one applaud BeautifulPeople.com for kicking off the fatties. As far as I'm concerned, they have no right to be part of such a superficial site which is based solely on looks and therefore these monsters should be shunned from the sexy community. It's for their own good.

Look blubber butts, online dating is complicated enough with people lying about their height, weight, age, and marital status. If I join a site that requires people to be beautiful forever, I want to make sure they stay that way and I don't want to look at them if their looks change if they gain weight, or if they let's say, get mauled by a tiger or if they like age or something. So put down the donut, get your jaw wired shut, hop on that treadmill, and don't come back until you look presentable enough to join a beautiful site of your former peers without making other members vomit at the mere thought of looking at you.

I've Fallen, And I Can't Get Up

You. Powerful you. You make my temperature rise while sending chills down my spine. My world spins when you're around, often making me disoriented. I feel you inside me, taking over my body like no other ever has, tears pouring from my eyes I reach forward and I cry out, with every ounce of energy left in my body I cannot grasp.... I no longer feel the floor beneath my feet... I require the strength of another merely to assist in raising my body upright. Please, please release me... let go of the torturous hold you have over my mind and body... 

Never did I dream this day would come, nor that night would fall as it has so hard when you are near. Never did I imagine the possibility of the power that would overcome me by such a strong force that is you, weakening me, crushing me.

How did I let this happen? I was so strong... Was I so careless with myself, so reckless tossing myself right into your destructive path? Could I have prevented this? Surely they say I could have, of course at a cost, but I never thought this day would come - at least not so soon. So how to properly prepare for such devastation? All I can do is weep now, weep for myself, weep over your harmful effect. The pain, too much to bear, takes over every inch of me at different times, paralyzing me most days. Barely able to rise from the comfort that is my bed, rarely capable of leaving the house, I fear you, I fear your hold on me, I fear my body's collapse should your hold engulf me at the wrong place and wrong time. 

All to do now is wait... wait and wait, hoping that enough time will pass quickly so as to not let me miss the world outside I already see passing me by. Feeling chained to my bed, an empty box of tissues nearby, and friends to whom I can only see virtually, I cry again from the pain. Another day, another crippling moment. But the day shall come soon, the day I shall defeat you and your grip on my body and mind. 

You shall disappear, you shall be erased. I can and will overcome, I will rid myself of your grasp. I will remain... long after your disappearance. With all remedies at hand I've armed myself with, you will break - but you will not break me. I will not allow this.  Neither will my loyal soldiers that are my herbal tea, my Sudafed, my Robitussin DM, my Nyquil. You may not call yourself by the name of flu, but I'm onto you. I know your game, your ability to trap those in your path. I will not let you win, terrible cold virus. I promise you will soon be dead to me. 

Because there are pills that help you focus

Modern medicine may not help blindness, it may not give you a hearing aid that works but you can finally get an erection, stimulate hair growth, prevent yourself from getting pregnant 99% of the time, and you can get your shit together by popping a smart pill.

Now I may or may not have experience with the smart pill. I could be full of crap about even knowing that there are pills to help you focus. And for all you know, I could be ignoring my important responsibilities right now this very minute because the smart pill has forced me to talk to you instead of study, which would defeat my intended purpose of my allegedly taking the smart pill to begin with. You decide.

All I do know is that I like calling them smart pills because they get you to do what you're supposed to be doing if you weren't such a lazy dumbass to begin with. Now I know there are smart people on this pill. I may be one of them, cuz I'm no dumbass. Or there really could be something to the magical pill I call the smart pill. It's awesome, or so I've heard.

This isn't directed to those of you in college who take this recreationally. I'm not promoting drug use without being monitored by your doctor. So you can't sue me now if you f*ck up and do something stupid. You're an idiot who should have been prescribed the proper smart pill by an actual physician, not your dealer you call Dr. Feelgood - because somehow you've now OD'd and become dumber for it. It's simple math folks, even for those of you who cannot focus. Meaning: stupid person + smart pill x the number of pills you took in addition to your dosage = complete idiot who should just be drinking alone in his room instead of taking pills.

Ahhh and then there's the debate about whether or not children should be on these pills. There's no debate about it, you say? Guess again, if your kid is 6 years old and acting like he's 6 years old, it doesn't mean he needs a pill. There are some kids that benefit from these pills tremendously, I'm sure, in fact I know that many adults and children do benefit from it. But for comedy's sake, I can't write about that. Now I realize I could be WAY off here, and totally out of line, but it goes somewhere if you read on, I promise. But for those of you that fit the following types of what should be considered child neglect for not being a good parent anyway, then here's what I think of you drugging your kid when he actually doesn't need it : let him play sports, don't sit him in front of the TV for 6 hours a day where he eats fast food and drinks soda. This is your fault, not his. This means take him for a walk or to the playground once on weekends so he doesn't spend both valuable days playing video games. One day is fine. And some TV is fine. Some junk food and candy and fast food is fine. Soda, not so much. But on weekends may be the best idea. Stop being so afraid that your kid will fall off the monkey bars, he's supposed to fall. But when he falls he's supposed to get back up and try again, not get coddled by mommy and daddy who never let him get hurt again. Why am I so angry?

I'll tell you why I'm angry. Because now I have to compete with other people who are on the smart pill. Yeah, that's right. I'm up against people who are constantly studying, who wouldn't normally be this focused and driven had the motivation not been prescribed to them. So I'm going to fall behind or be "less than" in the eyes of whomever decides whether or not I'm admitted to a good doctoral program because some other person is advantaged in a way I'm not. I could be turned away while some moron who I just caught picking his nose and eating it at age 29 gets his graduate degree in a program he doesn't deserve to be in. And he's going to be a doctor. Ever see Awakenings? Same idea Deniro. I'm mad as hell that I could be forced to take the smart pill because someone may study so many hours that I wouldn't have, had I not been on it too. They'll get a better score than me. They should have been drooling and eating their pen caps like I remember them doing throughout elementary school. Then Jr. high. And even then in high school. But instead they're now these "good students" with "good grades" who "know the material". Yeah because they didn't have to read it 10 times only to wonder what they just read and have to read it all over again. Their pen caps don't have as many bite marks but it doesn't mean they're geniuses. It just means they are at a physiological, chemical, and medicinal advantage. And it just means I'll work at a normal pace as opposed to super-hero speed.

So what if you can focus on one thing now? Congratulations Einstein, you can stay in that one direction. You know why I can't focus on the DNA helix in Genetics class? Because I'm turned on by my professor and wondering what would happen if anyone notices. You know why I can't handle listening to and therefore focusing on the "debate" in my criminal law class in law school? Because at least 65% of my class is composed of arrogant a'holes who wouldn't have the balls to actually step into a courtroom for an actual trial in all of their years being an attorney afterwards. Besides the fact that their point is actually THAT ridiculous that I feel like throwing my textbook at them. And you know why I'd rather not study tonight? Because the idea of drinking a nice glass of wine, going out with my friends and dancing my ass off before making out with someone younger than I am is more appealing to me. So, I'm sorry. Can you really blame me?

Which brings me to my point : I have work to do, so why am I writing this? Maybe it's time to increase the dosage.