Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Online dating can be fun. It can be even more fun if you are beautiful. And what can be better than a beautiful person? An entire site filled with them. What's worse? When more than 5,000 of those beautiful people let themselves go around the holidays. Solution? Kick the fatties off the site.

If you are a member of BeautifulPeople.com, you'd better stay beautiful - on the outside, at least. Even if you are a piece-of-shit-total-asshole on the inside it's fine, just make sure it doesn't show in your profile pic and make sure you don't eat dessert, because if you do, your membership may get revoked - at least temporarily until you can get your fat ass back into shape.

Robert Hintze, founder of BeautifulPeople.com, put it very eloquently when he said: ''Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.''

And he's right. Letting them roam (as in buffalo) the site is a direct threat to our business model (let's make a site for good looking people since we're tired of looking at the rest of the freaks walking this earth) and the very concept (hot girl + hot guy = good looking children to repopulate the world with) for which BeautifulPeople.com (the biggest assholes on the planet) was founded.

Some say this isn't fair. Others think it's a crime. I'll tell you what the real crime is. Looking ugly.

If you are actually a member of this site then you should know better; after all, you joined a site called "BeautifulPeople.com". In other words how dare you become some fat, dripping, slob freak? You ought to be ashamed of yourself and you might as well give up all hope on your life at this moment, go find some fat cave to live in on some fat remote island, and eat your way to your death.

I for one applaud BeautifulPeople.com for kicking off the fatties. As far as I'm concerned, they have no right to be part of such a superficial site which is based solely on looks and therefore these monsters should be shunned from the sexy community. It's for their own good.

Look blubber butts, online dating is complicated enough with people lying about their height, weight, age, and marital status. If I join a site that requires people to be beautiful forever, I want to make sure they stay that way and I don't want to look at them if their looks change if they gain weight, or if they let's say, get mauled by a tiger or if they like age or something. So put down the donut, get your jaw wired shut, hop on that treadmill, and don't come back until you look presentable enough to join a beautiful site of your former peers without making other members vomit at the mere thought of looking at you.