Rex Reed Is A Drunk Asshole

By now you may have heard about Rex Reed's personal attack on Melissa McCarthy, the very funny actress who carries some extra weight and currently stars in Identity Thief with Jason Bateman.  I'd like to call this blog post: Dear Rex, Who The Fuck Are You?

You see, the first thing I thought of as both a female and a human with a conscience, was how inappropriately placed Reed's scathing words were in his "film review".  It is highly improper to rip this woman apart for her weight in what is supposed to be a review of a film - but if you're going to do so, you better be a gorgeous fuck with a perfect body and face, or you're just begging for a review that may sound something like the following:

Rex Reed. Let's start with the name. Rex. Like, tyrannosaurus rex which means you're a dinosaur which means you're old and likely senile which explains your fucked up review which means you shouldn't work as a film critic anymore which means you should be locked up in a nursing home which means less exercise which means no hope to get rid of the multiple chins you currently have hanging from your ugly mug which means you probably smell bad in all those neck folds which would mean you don't shower very well which means you're dirty which means you really have no place making fun of anyone especially because you have neck fat which means you're a fat fat water rat which means you're gross which means you should spend less time pointing out flaws in others and more time correcting the numerous flaws you have which means you have many flaws which means let's start with your eyebrows which means you look like that evil blue muppet which means we should hate you which means we already do which means now we have even more reasons to hate you which means you should just quit your job which means you can't which means you're probably going broke buying vodka which means you smell like neck cheese and vodka which means no one wants you which means I guess I could understand your sadism which means you're a sadist which means you hate women because you're a sadist which means you are lonely which means you're pathetic because you are bashing a woman about her weight which means you're an ugly fucker which means oh obviously you are an ugly fucker which means go ahead and google him, you'll see how ugly he is which means I'm right and you're wrong which means you should seriously consider shutting the fuck up. Then let's take a jab for a moment, at the editor - where the hell were you, asshole? No one has control over this douchebag's review for even a moment, in order to say "take this part out because it's fucked up"? Ok back to Rex. I looked at some pictures of you, Rex.  And I must say, people in unfit houses shouldn't throw stones - or bottles of booze - because from what I can tell of that dark tint of red that colors your nose, you should stop drinking on the job. You mean, old, classless drunk. 

Rex Reed has broken more blood vessels in his nose, than Melissa McCarthy has broken chairs, so what's his problem? Thirsty I guess. Now I would never, under other circumstances, make fun of someone with an alcohol problem. But, this asshole deserves it. You're a drunk, Rex Reed. You're a stereotypical, red-nosed, fat slobby drunk. And your review sucked - in fact, I'm going to make sure I see this movie to support Melissa McCarthy if for no other reason but because you're an irrelevant prick, and Melissa's on top of her game.

Fuck you Rex Reed, you drunk drunk drunk fuck.

The Really Fake Housewives...

Previously on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...

Camille bought a dictionary/thesaurus combo to learn the words they didn't teach her in stripper school. She then posed for the opening scene of the show in her kitchen, holding a grown up book to hide her "Where's Waldo?" book.

Kyle prepared to be "eviscerated with words" by Camille, who is still trying to convince the audience that she has a good marriage, convince the cameras that she isn't sleeping with her guy "friends", and convince herself that people actually believe any of her delusional bullshit.

Unnoticeable Kim reminded us that she's still on the show by saying something obscure and blinking her eyes while doing that parakeet thing with her head.

Lisa got frustrated with Kim for not pursuing the ugly guy she set Kim up with, but Kim believes that a man should pursue a woman or at least be the one to call her for the first time. For some reason this is odd to the other ladies.

Cameramen had a difficult time filming Adrienne, who had been hiding from her husband in the east wing of their mansion.

And next, on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:

Camille, in expressing her female "empowerment" and "celebration of other women", has the rest of the group over to her turf so she and her friends can gang up on Kyle since Kyle actually has a loving husband. While Kelsey has left Camille to get immediately engaged after knocking up one of the ugliest street rats in NYC, Taylor explains that Camille is doing well by being strong for, and spending time with her kids. In other words, Camille's in the jacuzzi with that fat guy with the manboobs and his wife again, while her 4 nannies continue to love and raise the 2 children. This shocks Camille who had forgotten that she even had kids, so she decides to take her anger out on Kyle by making up more accusations regarding things Kyle allegedly said to Camille that of course never happened.

Taylor goes "Oklahoma" all over someone's ass... in other words she sleeps with her uncle. While her lips prepare for their own spinoff show, her 'cowboy' husband Russell continues to silent bully her.

Kim seems to still be on the show though still not on the planet, and Adrienne is still hiding from her husband in the east wing of her home.

Color Me Sad

Well well well, I've just come across a surprising (not at all) article that a former Color Me Badd member was arrested in Hawaii for domestic violence... evidently, again. For those of you who need a reminder, Color Me Badd had a few "hits", such as "I Wanna Sex You Up" and "I Adore Mi Amor". I would like to start by coming to his defense, stating that I believe he was simply rehearsing for his soon-to-be hit (no pun intended), "I Wanna Fuck You Up". What I DO have a problem with is that he hasn't been arrested in the past for violating all of our ears.

According to the article (link posted below), in 2008 this sweet gentleman punched a girl in the nose, saying "I'm-A kill you". Need I say more? Yes, actually. What the hell was he doing in Hawaii? I can't afford to go to Hawaii right now, so how in the world can that loser afford it? There's no way he could have made THAT much money and not spent it all on Jack Daniels and wife-beaters by now, I mean, it was years ago that this pedophile-looking dork (see picture) was singing till our ears bled, so how it's even possible that he can afford a flight to Indiana let alone Hawaii is beyond me.

So Mr. Congeniality (aka Bryan Abrams), if you're out there and happen to be reading this, I'd like to give you some advice: 1) Look at yourself. You're lucky to have a woman stay within 10 feet of you (and at present, lucky if you're legally allowed within 50 feet of her). Enjoy it while it lasts, because you're no prize and you no doubt are aware of this fact. 2) Stop hitting girls. I know that you were probably punishing her for marrying you, and for that, I understand. But, you're a loser. You know it, we know it. But seriously, stop hitting girls.

http://www.popeater.com/2010/07/22/bryan-abrams-arrest-mugshot-color-me-badd/?icid=main|main|dl2|link6|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.popeater.com%2F2010%2F07%2F22%2Fbryan-abrams-arrest-mugshot-color-me-badd%2F

Fashion Ads Gone Disturbingly Wrong

I think Marc Jacobs's ad agency needs some new inspiration. Am I the only one who sees the connection? I'm pretty sure this was an Auschwitz-inspired advertisement. "Hey let's just take these old pics and photoshop in some clothes, colors, and a tree... now just get rid of that barbed wire." Ta-da!!

Fatso.com

Online dating can be fun. It can be even more fun if you are beautiful. And what can be better than a beautiful person? An entire site filled with them. What's worse? When more than 5,000 of those beautiful people let themselves go around the holidays. Solution? Kick the fatties off the site.

If you are a member of BeautifulPeople.com, you'd better stay beautiful - on the outside, at least. Even if you are a piece-of-shit-total-asshole on the inside it's fine, just make sure it doesn't show in your profile pic and make sure you don't eat dessert, because if you do, your membership may get revoked - at least temporarily until you can get your fat ass back into shape.

Robert Hintze, founder of BeautifulPeople.com, put it very eloquently when he said: ''Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.''

And he's right. Letting them roam (as in buffalo) the site is a direct threat to our business model (let's make a site for good looking people since we're tired of looking at the rest of the freaks walking this earth) and the very concept (hot girl + hot guy = good looking children to repopulate the world with) for which BeautifulPeople.com (the biggest assholes on the planet) was founded.

Some say this isn't fair. Others think it's a crime. I'll tell you what the real crime is. Looking ugly.

If you are actually a member of this site then you should know better; after all, you joined a site called "BeautifulPeople.com". In other words how dare you become some fat, dripping, slob freak? You ought to be ashamed of yourself and you might as well give up all hope on your life at this moment, go find some fat cave to live in on some fat remote island, and eat your way to your death.

I for one applaud BeautifulPeople.com for kicking off the fatties. As far as I'm concerned, they have no right to be part of such a superficial site which is based solely on looks and therefore these monsters should be shunned from the sexy community. It's for their own good.

Look blubber butts, online dating is complicated enough with people lying about their height, weight, age, and marital status. If I join a site that requires people to be beautiful forever, I want to make sure they stay that way and I don't want to look at them if their looks change if they gain weight, or if they let's say, get mauled by a tiger or if they like age or something. So put down the donut, get your jaw wired shut, hop on that treadmill, and don't come back until you look presentable enough to join a beautiful site of your former peers without making other members vomit at the mere thought of looking at you.

Giving a Left Hook to Snook

Here's "The Situation". Snookie, J-WoWW, and some other self-proclaimed "guidos" and "guidettes" walk into a bar. A little girl yells at a drunk NY teacher who's stealing their drinks... And while there's no punch-line here, there was however, a punch.

Do you watch MTV's "The Jersey Shore?" Clearly I do. I watched Snookie take that punch in the face and like the rest of the viewing world, I was appalled - and not just by everyone's poor use of grammar. But since MTV has started airing this series and since they have played (and constantly replayed) that teaser, they've been getting a ton of backlash, including 3 (so far) sponsors pulling their ads from being aired during the show. Additionally, according to Associated Press, The New Jersey Italian American Legislative Caucus is requesting that MTV cancel the show, calling it "wildly offensive" and claiming it "promotes derogatory ethnic stereotypes". New Jersey tourism officials are even angry at the show. Call me crazy, but I see something else going on here and it has nothing to do with MTV or this show: Welcome to the east coast.

As far as I can see, this show is perhaps the most fair and accurate representation of approximately 85% of Long Island and New Jersey people. In fact, rather than call this a reality show, MTV should be calling it a documentary.

I think NJ is just embarrassed, and I have a hard time believing that tourism would decrease due to the show's alleged stereotype. And by the way - what stereotypes? Do you really think that we believe all Italian Americans are like this? Or perhaps it is a bad thing that "guidos" are being recognized as deeply populating the NY/NJ areas - are "guidos" then being stereotyped? So that makes it a true stereotype, right? Listen tourism people in NJ, do you realize this may actually increase business for you? Here's a tip: know your clientele. If you know anything about those who are impressed by watching The Jersey Shore, you'll know that tourism this summer will probably be your busiest to date. Why? Because while some of us watch in awe or in horror, others are actually relating to these people.

On that note, let's look at some things that I believe are going unnoticed by the show's critics. First, none of these idiots from the show punched lil Snookie. It was a NY high school gym teacher, and this douchebag had nothing to do with the show. It was graphic and disturbing, but what happened afterwards was more comforting - everyone wanted to kick his ass. Yup, did we forget something about the Jersey Shore cast? They went after him following the sucker punch. I'll tell you one thing, I know plenty of guys who aren't considered "guidos" and I doubt they would have had the balls to go after that shithead like the "guidos" did. Jersey Shore cast has muscles and showed them outside the hot tub for once - and for that, I applaud them.

Here's another thing critics, I don't know why you are offended - I'll tell you exactly who should be offended here : people like myself.

Why is that? I'll tell you why. Because I'm NOT like the cast members, but I have to live in a world amongst them. I have to smell their cologne 2 blocks away. I have to feel their sweat drops fly off their biceps on the dancefloor. I have to hear them talk with a terrible "accent", and quite frankly, I am the one stereotyped as being one of them simply by my living on Long Island. But you don't see me boycotting Armani Exchange, and you don't hear me asking stores to stop selling hair gel.

I will say this. Being far enough away (or at least hiding in my home) so that my only real access to them is when I watch them on TV, is comforting. For now I will remain part of the minority that isn't Long Island/New Jersey "guido"-status, but will remain part of the majority being entertained by them.

Madonna and The Horse

When we hear celebrity stories, some funny things happen and we laugh, other sad times we cry. Sometimes we laugh inappropriately at accidents (think Sonny Bono), and some people cry as if they knew the person and were affected personally by some tragedy (think Natasha Richardson). But when something not-so-funny happens to a celebrity, but you think it could be turned into a funny situation to make yourself look cool by talking about it, when exactly is the right moment when it finally becomes acceptable to poke fun of said situation? My answer is: As soon as you think of the joke.

Therefore, I can say, that it looks like Madonna finally fell off her high horse. Pun naturally intended.

Now, as many of you may know, Madonna was riding her horse and according to conflicting reports, she either 1) fell off or 2) a "paparazzo" jumped out from behind the bushes scaring the shit out of the poor horse who then went spastic causing Madonna to be thrown - or to fall off -the animal.

But while Madonna's people are blaming a photographer, let's rewind and take a look at another accident Madonna had a few years ago, breaking bones falling off a horse. Of course last time, the blame was put on the horse. According to a 2005 article on msnbc.com, a spokeswoman for Madonna had claimed that the accident occurred while Madonna was riding a horse that wasn't her "regular" horse, or the one she had usually ridden. 

Now, I could be wrong, but could it be that Madonna just has a tendency to fall off horses? Or is God punishing her for the phony English accent she uses that comes and goes wherever the wind blows? I think the latter to be true.

Madonna, here's my problem with you, but I'll point out the positive as well. You're a fabulous entertainer. You are a very talented singer, and you can dance well too. Your body is "great" but doesn't need to be abused by all those workouts you push on it. It's starting to make you look like Jessica Lange. While you can certainly keep up with the "youth" of the entertainment industry, by kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and doing a song/video with Justin Timberlake, I think you really need to calm down a bit. Your children aren't allowed to watch TV, but you appeared in movies - and still do. Not that any were real successes, but you get the point.  And what a hypocrite you are for performing in music videos to reap the benefits of fans watching them, yet at the same time are allegedly afraid that TV will rot your childrens' brains (or slow their development) to the point where TVs aren't allowed in your home. Aren't you the same Madonna who appeared in "Truth or Dare", a controversial (at the time) documentary about, well, YOU?  

Then maybe your kids should stay in and read a nice book. For instance, your first publication, titled "Sex". That seems like quality reading.  Or maybe they can simply accompany you on your tour - hey, remember that tour you performed called "The Girly Show World Tour" where you'd dress up as a dominatrix cracking a whip, surrounded by topless female dancers? I bet that's more wholesome than watching The Simpsons. Perhaps we should reflect back to your tour in Puerto Rico when you rubbed the Puerto Rican flag between your legs. Are you picking up what I'm putting down, Madonna? Maybe the problem isn't that TV will inhibit the development of your children. Maybe it's just you. 

In sum: I think you came from nothing (nowhere), tried to be something (dancer), no one wanted you (for dancing) so they made you a success for what you are now (a singer) but you couldn't quite escape where you came from (again, nowhere) so you put on a front and try to act like something you're not (normal) by packing up and moving to England (thinking this will make you appear sophisticated) and riding horses (which clearly isn't working out), faking an English accent (oh yeah no one notices that one sweetie), working out for 4 hours a day (what Nazi trainer gave you that brilliant idea?) to look good for your fans (who are disappearing slowly) in order to make out with pop stars less than half your age (gross)... only to have too much time on your hands (again, the 4-hour a day workouts), making you lose brain cells (perhaps the real cause of the 2nd horse accident) which makes you think you should show the world you're this wonderful mother (not working) by limiting your kids' access to things on the outside world (perhaps to hide information about you - for example, that you once dated a porn star...and then Vanilla Ice... and even Dennis Rodman) and now you're dating someone 30 years younger than you (probably one of the smartest moves you've made), have taken up Kabbalah studies (since when are you so religious?).... I could go on and on.... the point of all of this being: it looks like you are giving your kids the opposite of your life, which probably does make you a good mother after all.

Madonna, you're independent and strong and it seems clear to me that most men would have trouble being man enough to be with you and your lifestyle. But I think this time you certainly have fallen off your high horse, and you should take a break, relax, let the kids watch some TV. Lose the fake accent, take a day off from the gym, then maybe take up some horseback riding lessons.