Saturday, November 15, 2008

Because there are pills that help you focus

Modern medicine may not help blindness, it may not give you a hearing aid that works but you can finally get an erection, stimulate hair growth, prevent yourself from getting pregnant 99% of the time, and you can get your shit together by popping a smart pill.

Now I may or may not have experience with the smart pill. I could be full of crap about even knowing that there are pills to help you focus. And for all you know, I could be ignoring my important responsibilities right now this very minute because the smart pill has forced me to talk to you instead of study, which would defeat my intended purpose of my allegedly taking the smart pill to begin with. You decide.

All I do know is that I like calling them smart pills because they get you to do what you're supposed to be doing if you weren't such a lazy dumbass to begin with. Now I know there are smart people on this pill. I may be one of them, cuz I'm no dumbass. Or there really could be something to the magical pill I call the smart pill. It's awesome, or so I've heard.

This isn't directed to those of you in college who take this recreationally. I'm not promoting drug use without being monitored by your doctor. So you can't sue me now if you f*ck up and do something stupid. You're an idiot who should have been prescribed the proper smart pill by an actual physician, not your dealer you call Dr. Feelgood - because somehow you've now OD'd and become dumber for it. It's simple math folks, even for those of you who cannot focus. Meaning: stupid person + smart pill x the number of pills you took in addition to your dosage = complete idiot who should just be drinking alone in his room instead of taking pills.

Ahhh and then there's the debate about whether or not children should be on these pills. There's no debate about it, you say? Guess again, if your kid is 6 years old and acting like he's 6 years old, it doesn't mean he needs a pill. There are some kids that benefit from these pills tremendously, I'm sure, in fact I know that many adults and children do benefit from it. But for comedy's sake, I can't write about that. Now I realize I could be WAY off here, and totally out of line, but it goes somewhere if you read on, I promise. But for those of you that fit the following types of what should be considered child neglect for not being a good parent anyway, then here's what I think of you drugging your kid when he actually doesn't need it : let him play sports, don't sit him in front of the TV for 6 hours a day where he eats fast food and drinks soda. This is your fault, not his. This means take him for a walk or to the playground once on weekends so he doesn't spend both valuable days playing video games. One day is fine. And some TV is fine. Some junk food and candy and fast food is fine. Soda, not so much. But on weekends may be the best idea. Stop being so afraid that your kid will fall off the monkey bars, he's supposed to fall. But when he falls he's supposed to get back up and try again, not get coddled by mommy and daddy who never let him get hurt again. Why am I so angry?

I'll tell you why I'm angry. Because now I have to compete with other people who are on the smart pill. Yeah, that's right. I'm up against people who are constantly studying, who wouldn't normally be this focused and driven had the motivation not been prescribed to them. So I'm going to fall behind or be "less than" in the eyes of whomever decides whether or not I'm admitted to a good doctoral program because some other person is advantaged in a way I'm not. I could be turned away while some moron who I just caught picking his nose and eating it at age 29 gets his graduate degree in a program he doesn't deserve to be in. And he's going to be a doctor. Ever see Awakenings? Same idea Deniro. I'm mad as hell that I could be forced to take the smart pill because someone may study so many hours that I wouldn't have, had I not been on it too. They'll get a better score than me. They should have been drooling and eating their pen caps like I remember them doing throughout elementary school. Then Jr. high. And even then in high school. But instead they're now these "good students" with "good grades" who "know the material". Yeah because they didn't have to read it 10 times only to wonder what they just read and have to read it all over again. Their pen caps don't have as many bite marks but it doesn't mean they're geniuses. It just means they are at a physiological, chemical, and medicinal advantage. And it just means I'll work at a normal pace as opposed to super-hero speed.

So what if you can focus on one thing now? Congratulations Einstein, you can stay in that one direction. You know why I can't focus on the DNA helix in Genetics class? Because I'm turned on by my professor and wondering what would happen if anyone notices. You know why I can't handle listening to and therefore focusing on the "debate" in my criminal law class in law school? Because at least 65% of my class is composed of arrogant a'holes who wouldn't have the balls to actually step into a courtroom for an actual trial in all of their years being an attorney afterwards. Besides the fact that their point is actually THAT ridiculous that I feel like throwing my textbook at them. And you know why I'd rather not study tonight? Because the idea of drinking a nice glass of wine, going out with my friends and dancing my ass off before making out with someone younger than I am is more appealing to me. So, I'm sorry. Can you really blame me?

Which brings me to my point : I have work to do, so why am I writing this? Maybe it's time to increase the dosage.

1 comment:

Nan Boleyn said...

I had to take Adderall when I was working at the P-word since I have ADD and my b!tch boss was so f#cking loud I couldn't concentrate at all. Yeah, I don't have to take it anymore. Coincidence? I don't think so!